This Ain’t No BBL – Fitness Journey

I’ve been on a fitness journey for over a year now. And to be honest, I weigh the same I did a year ago. I have a love-hate relationship with the gym. On the one hand, it’s a significant energy boost, and on the other hand, it gives me crazy body dysmorphia. See, I’ve always been very confident in my body. It’s something I’ve never doubted. But lately, I don’t recognize myself in pictures, and I can barely find cute clothes, which has messed with me mentally.

So my 25th birthday was when I finally hired a virtual personal trainer to begin this fitness journey. I was given a meal plan, I had to do weigh-ins and progress pictures every Sunday, and I worked out four days a week. Here’s the thing, I couldn’t stick to the meal plan for longer than a week at a time. I kept vocalizing that to my trainer, but it felt like he didn’t care. Nothing ever changed on my meal plan, and I lost no weight. I actually gained weight the entire four months I was under this trainer.

So I fired him, and the hunt for a new trainer began. My second trainer was amazing. She listened to me as a client, the workouts challenged me, and I started looking forward to my workouts. But I still had to do weekly weigh-ins and progress pics every Sunday. And that is when the body dysmorphia began.

I was working my ass off in the gym, burning 700+ calories every workout, but I barely saw changes on the scale or in my measurements. That led me to emotionally eat on top of the fact that I was grieving the unexpected passing of my aunt. If I couldn’t control my eating, what was the purpose of all this working out? The purpose of constantly weighing myself to be disappointed that I was barely losing anything?

The funny thing is that I lost 15 pounds in 2 months, and my endurance was immaculate. But I could only focus on the negative, mainly because my trainer emphasized that I should’ve been losing more weight with how hard I was going in the gym. She even made me get my thyroids checked! That was the first time in my life that I didn’t feel comfortable in my own body. I was embarrassed and ready to give up. 

People don’t tell you that a fitness journey is like 80% mental. It’s taken me over a year to understand that fully. If your reasoning isn’t strong, you will consistently fall victim to your food cravings. And when everything and everyone is making you feel like you aren’t doing good enough, it’s easy to say eff it. I have a man who loves me like this. And my booty fat, lol. I’ll be this size forever.

But don’t give up! Take a day, a week, a few months if you have to. But don’t give up.

Remember, I weigh more now than when I started my journey, but I refuse to give up. Some days thinking about my journey does get me down. I’m trying to lose almost 60 pounds which is no easy feat, but I got this. I figured out the root of my body dysmorphia— the constant weigh-ins. So I no longer do them because, for me, they are detrimental. I don’t even track the “calories” I burned during workouts anymore because I’d use it as an excuse to overeat. The focus now is not on the amount of weight I lose, but the build my stamina back up. There’s no way I could’ve done all the hiking I did during my 7-day Southwest Road trip had I not been consistently working out. And it felt GOOD to hike every day and not be exhausted.

For those out there struggling, know you aren’t the only one. Working out shouldn’t make you more self-conscious, and it shouldn’t feel like a hurdle. Just focus on doing what works for you and makes you feel good. 

In the wise words of Flo Milli, “this ain’t no bbl.” We got this.